rambling..

The thing about life is that it's complicated.  Sometimes it's simple, like the only things you have to do are getting up going to school or work eating three meals a day then going to bed just to wake up and start again. People have plans, even the ones who call themselves "free spirits". Even if you plan on doing nothing your still planning something. I wouldn't call myself a free spirit. I wake up everyday with nothing to do...but thats because im in a rut. I see life passing me by and i see myself getting into one horrible situation after another. and i do nothing to stop it. i never like to think of myself or analyze myself. in one simple sentence i can describe myself. I am a fuck up. Ive fucked up school, my credit, my parents trust in me. ive fucked up my whole entire life. for nothing. my dad made me cry the other day. said i was a narcasist and i never thought of or care for anyone but myself. and i can see how on one level that might be true. but ultimatly isnt the only person we're really responsible for is ourselves? The whole survival instict? it's a two way street i guess because life is never really your own.

the intro

This is the part where i explain myself and where i am. The point where I hit rock bottom. At the age of 21 I'm unemployed, broke, in debt, moved back home, not in school and my mother can barely stand to look at me. And it's not like I blame her; these days i can barely stand to look at myself. and the cause of all this? ME! and for what? Nothing..no excuses, no reasons, no problems. I hit this point for no reason or person to blame other than myself. I've lied, cheated and stolen.  Multiple times. from people who trusted me and cared for me. i drink. i smoke and i generally dont care. So this is my story. I'm trying to fix my life and to do that i need to fix myself first. My dad recently called me narcasistic. The actual word he should have used was selfish. So that is what im trying to write about. Im trying to show that no matter where i went wrong i can always make it right. and heres to hoping i can.

Lyrics..

*when all of the pain rushes through,
when you become unglued,
who will be by your side,
watching you when you cry.
when all that is said and done,
when you find the very one
who will stand with you?
baby what would you do?
would you hold em close
or let them go..
make them walk down your broken road.

As I see it..

Well I'm almost completely moved back hope. Its kinda weird and familiar all at the same time. I miss my roommate and the freedom of being up at 3 in the morning without the fear of being yelled at..but so far so good. I still have a few things at the apartment but im not really worried about it. I still have a week left. Sam escaped today and i had a hell of a time chasing his ass around the yard for an hour and a half. not fun. plus i missed dainels birthday party. he turned 8 on the twenty-second. So the only thing i really do now is get a job and pay off all of my bills. easier said than done i guess. Back to waitressing. Its easy money plus it gives me time to write. Im going to finnish my book even if it kills me. and it just might..